Should I be with this person?

Question

Hi, I'm lost, confused and feel heartbroken.

I thought it was love, idk why, but now I feel stupid.

I met this guy 2years ago, we connected then he went to work overseas and the relationship started growing over texts and zoom calls. We talked every day and finally he came back after 9months. 

He lived with me now for a month, but slowly and surely he started commenting on all my imperfections, he doesn't take pictures with me, and find something wrong with everything I do, even the way I make my coffee. He makes me feel like I'm not good looking enough to be with him, he also kiss me with his eyes open which I find disturbing. 

He is good looking and he knows it. He would look at every single woman walking past, even left me to go walk past another woman. I'm trying to see it as men will be men, but he does it deliberately because he knows I get upset when he does. Says things like joh! Look at that sexy thing. 

The thing that gets me the most is that he said "everyone knows he thought his ex was the one" and now she's in a new relationship and he liked the status on her wall and on the boyfriend's wall. But never once liked any of my posts ever. He also said to me that he can't be certain of me after only one month together. 

I don't want to feel like I've lost, and he would just say I'm crazy when I speak up about something : "I'm with you and I want to be with you" he tells me.

I just get so angry and upset about everything he does, I don't want to feel like this anymore :(

He does good things too, like open the car door and cooks. But he says I cook like shit,without even giving me a fair chance. Always standing there commenting and saying bad things. 

What should I do? What would you do in this situation? I don't want to feel like I'm overreacting, I also don't want to feel like I've wasted so much time waiting for this one. We have good times too. 

Answer 1

He's a control freak. Likes playing stupid little games and pushing your buttons. Some would call him a wind-up merchant. Another word I would use is nightmare. There may well be positives, but I'd leave him for dust. He's not a man in my opinion, he's an idiot. There's a lot of them about.

Answer 2

This question makes me sad because you gave a grocery list of what is not love. The sad truth is you will continue taking this, or you will keep going back for more of this sad same game of abuse until you finally had enough. Emotional abuse is nonetheless painful. Unfortunately,  you're not alone, many people (women and men) are currently in or had relationships just like this. His thing is he's emotionally dependent on you, that is not love. He is without a doubt extremely controlling, that is not love. He's about keeping score on who is better, that is not love. He doesn't adore you, or admire you, or  appreciate your way, that is not love. My advice is to start putting yourself first by realizing your worth. He certainly doesn't show you what you are worth to him by treating you this poorly. You do know you're not being treated right, right?  Love is about caring and considering your significant other's feelings all the time. It's time to open your own door, and cook for yourself because you definitely deserve better than this heaviness around your neck. This is my advice but only you will know when you had enough. 

I wish you love. ♡

Answer 3

Why in the world would you think it’s ok to be with someone who makes you so unhappy? I don’t understand why you even need to ask about this. 

Comments

JPT is exactly right.  You deserve a MUCH better person.  Every decent woman deserves a better man than this.

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She's reaching out for help that's why she's asking. Many people start looking for answers by turning to others. Making her comfortable would be nice. Just Sayin'.

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I was merely expressing my dismay that someone should think so little of herself that she needs to ask others if she should stay with someone who treats her so shabbily. 

No disrespect was intended, but my blunt presentation is sometimes mistaken for it. 

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Understand that people who are abused don't always know why they think so little of themselves. Many feel that they are the ones who are doing something wrong. Unfortunately, that's the sad part about abuse. I feel it's not about how you feel but how she feels. It's easy to show dismay and disbelief when you never experienced abuse before. I do appreciate the fact that you explained why you answered as you did. Thank you for that. I believe many don't think about what they say before saying it. I'm guilty of that myself sometimes. It says a lot about you that you explained your blunt presentation, and now I can only hope you understand mine. I know it's unorthodox to hear men being abused, but it's out there. It happened to me. I was not only mentally abused but physically abused by my former wife. I'm a strong man, in great shape, but I never ever laid a hand on her. My ex wife was arrested because she split my head wide open with a bottle at a park where many others witnessed it. 911 was called where I was quickly taken to the hospital by ambulance. I almost didn't make it to see another day. Once I came to with police guarding my door, other family members there begged me to press charges against her, I did. That was the first day that changed my life forever because I finally did something about my abuse. It started out where I was mentally abused, then 5 years later she became physical. I took it for 4 more years until this last straw happened. I was married for 9 years. At first things were good, until it wasn't. I was not only protective of our relationship, I was embarrassed. I thought that people would think that there was NO way a man like me could be abused by a women. I was afraid of being laughed at too. It took 9 years for me to see the light. I now help men and women like me to come forward. I feel only people who have walked in similar shoes should be the only ones giving their two cents. No disrespect, but I hope you understand my reason for calling you out now. I'm no longer embarrassed, I share my story to help others before it's too late.

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Thanks for your comment. I’m extremely sorry you experienced such abuse. 

You’re correct when you say it’s hard to imagine if you’ve never been through it. I’m lucky enough to have always had enough confidence to reject abusive behavior from those with whom I interact. That’s why I’m always shocked and saddened when I hear others going through it - allowing myself to be disrespected doesn’t compute for me. Your post helped present the situation in an understandable way for me. Thanks again and good for you for speaking out. The best way to begin stopping  injustice is to bring it out into the open. 

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You're welcome! 

Good for you for not allowing yourself to be disrespected before getting to deeply invested with whom you interact if questionable. If you were ever in love you then know that love, for a short word is a very complicated thing. I truly loved my ex wife. I took vows for better or worse, in sickness and in health. It got worse and she was sick. Low cerebrospinal fluid concentrations of serotonin caused her extremely aggressive behavior. The chemical serotonin plays a very important role in regulating anger. She did seek help with a psychiatrist, unfortunately, she liked to drink alcohol which was a problem because the medication didn't work properly. It's a long sad story, but I'm sure you get the gist. I loved her very much and wanted to help her get better. I had hope, and I kept my vows. Walking away fast was not my style anyway. I was up for the challenge. I wanted to believe her each time she was sorry. She would quit drinking but always went back to it. She used alcohol as a crutch, she was an acholic in denial. You can't help someone who doesn't really want it. One day I had enough, as SandyGirl mentioned in her very enlightening answer. 

I appreciate your willingness to have a conversation, not many people can have a conversation like this. They get angry at any controversy. Opposing views should be discussed like adults. Many once you called them out get crazy, and become name callers and such, lol. I thank you again for listening. 

Answer 4

No.  You should run, not walk, away from this person.  It doesn't get any better.  I know.  It is very hard living with someone who only criticises everything that you do.  I cannot drive well enough, I don't open the windows right, i don't close them right, i don't put stuff in the dishwasher right, i don't walk the dog right or often enough even though he is her dog.  It used to be a bit better but as time goes on, less and less is correct.  I have been criticized for years about the way I dress, the way I eat, and the way I talk.

Trust me on this, you don't want on need this sort of life.

Answer 5

Hmm... I'm with someone who constantly criticizes me.  He complains about everything I do.  His best feature is that he cooks and open car doors for me.  However, he says I look awful.  He leave me standing there where he bird-dogs a pretty single woman that catches his eye.  He excuses his noxious behavior by saying he's only doing to make me angry... so that excuses it all, I guess.

Now my question is "Should I stay with this good-looking, unfaithful, mean-spirited, faithless piece of pond scum... or should I kick him to the curb before another 24 hours passes by?"

Wow... Tough question.  I can see why you're torn.

Answer 6

It sounds like the bad times outnumber the “good times” by a long shot. He isn’t respecting you when he looks at women to make you mad, and the fact that he enjoys making you mad is sadistic on his part. All of his criticisms of you are wearing down your self-esteem as well. Get rid of him before it’s too late and you begin to accept all of his shortcomings. You need much better than that. 

Answer 7

My answer would be a sharp NO! You should not be with this person. That's an awful lot of negative layers to deal with. My first wife was a narcissist. Everything had to be about her. Everything had to be her idea, or way, or it wasn't good enough. Until I met my current wife I didn't know what I was missing. She treats me great, as her equal. She always cares about my feelings, and she wants me to feel satisfied and happy. I must say this, those here who are being rude to you, that's uncalled for because it says a lot that you are reaching out for help. Reaching out for help is the first step. There's plenty of support groups available that can help you to understand why you put up with this abuse in the first place. They prepare you mentally and physically with a plan to leave. It's not as easy as it sounds. I know for certain first hand how hard it is. It takes a full solid commitment to yourself to finally walk away. Please try not to waste to much more time with someone like this, they will eventually take away your character and then take your emotional spirit completely away.

Good luck to you!

Answer 8

It sounds like this guy is disrespectful. If he can’t treat you right, you can without question do better. Try talking with him about your concerns, but brace yourself for an impending break up. 

Best of luck!

Answer 9

You are describing my first husband. 

This isn’t love on his part. You are a convenience. He will cheat sooner or later.

You need to return the favor check out other guys and criticize him at every opportunity! He won’t like it from the start.

If you want years more of his behavior, stay.

If you have any self esteem and pride get outta there before he destroys you!

Answer 10

He sounds like a narcissistic control-freak. Do yourself a HUGE favor and meet someone who loves you for who you are, and that YOU truly love. He's not about to change, and none of us are getting any younger.